The Hierophant

I was confused about this card. I've mentioned my reservations for this card when it came up during the French Spread. However, at the time I did the spread (August 09) I didn't quite grasp the meaning of this card. Here are some points I wrote down while trying to figure out.

This card is talking about a commitment and regularity to "daily exploration of a particular path." That path would be my spiritual path, not religious at all. :o)

This card is related to religion because just like religion, there is good and bad and it extinguishes black from white. This also ties into the concept of balance and Temperance.

It is about making your own decisions in defiance of an outworn value system, (which is where I was/am with the start of this whole Hierophant phase/step in the journey.

Also, the black and white of religion locks us into our own prisons of doubt and conformity so this is my old value system and I have to break free and examine it.

So maybe this restless feeling I was talking about earlier (Restless Spread) is coming from my wanting to clarify my value system/foundation.

Looking through my notes while I was writing all these thoughts down, I also wrote:

Looking back at my restless spread, I'm thinking that maybe the energy of the Hierophant is being expressed through my questioning of what I believe, what I have already been taught/through. What am I learning?

I want that deep spiritual connection to what I'm doing because I don't want to waste this semester because I feel like everything is coming into place this semester. Maybe I'm restless and lost because the last journey ended and now I don't have a specific path/journey in mind.

I know that I am a strong person and that I am a fighter but I want to learn more about myself.

I want to be dedicated to a journey-what's the next step in evolving/expanding my mind and my personality?

Short Celtic Cross

This spread was done before the September 23rd, 2009 entry was made. It follows the French spread. (I know, I need to work on the sequence of journal entries.)

1) Past Experience - Seven of Rods
"You possess the ability to succeed against all opposition. You're in an advantageous position. Face up to the situation, take a stand, don't hesitate to assert your own point of view.

You're meeting the challenge, whatever form it takes. Your next step is to tie up the loose ends of the past and get on with your life. You...make your own decisions and rely on your inner strength and judgment" (131).

2) Where You Are Now - Temperance
"In some decks, this card is called the Alchemist. It usually depicts and angel standing with one foot in teh water and the other on earth, indicating that the temperate personality links the realms of the conscious and the unconscious.

The word Temperance comes from Latin and means to mix or combine properly. The card itself indicates a need to mix and match until you find what is right for you.

Tranquility comes to you through your ability to maintain harmony and balance by the successful blending of opposites. You're learning to temper justice with compassion, success with failure, joy with sorrow. Moderation in all things is required. Compromise and tolerance for opinions different from your own take you a long way. This doesn't mean you must surrender yourself to someone else's agenda.

Romance: Compassion, cooperation, and forgiveness create a bond with your significant other that has been absent lately. Calm, open discussion about your differences and complaints bring about the results you want. Listen to your feelings, look honestly at the facts, then act.

Spirituality: The key to your personal path lies in harmony, peace, and focused attention on what you desire and need. Answers come to you through medication. You experience a state of peaceful repose by grounding and channeling cosmic energies" (64).

3) Near Future - Judgement
"A spiritual awakening. By the time the Fool reaches this point in his journey, he has learned how to integrate his everyday awareness with higher consciousness. He now possesses all the qualities that he has been seeking on his pilgrimage: enlightenment, truth, hidden knowledge, and a sense of harmony and contentment.

Valuable lessons have been learned; now put them to practical use. You've been given a second chance and you're ready to live a more meaningful existence.

Release the past and start fresh. This means pay off old debts, take responsibility for your life, and stop blaming and judging others.

Happiness doesn't lie outside of yourself. Honestly review your past actions, consider how you have used or misused your opportunities, then envision your future as you wish it to be.

Romance: Your relationships undergo a regeneration. You and your significant other either commit to make things work or call it quits.

Spirituality: You're approaching a crossroads, a switch in belief systems. You're primed for a change of direction or purpose. Go with it" (75).

4) Your Future Environment - King of Pentacles
"As the embodiment of worldly success and accomplishment, this king is the proverbial 'square peg in a square hole.' In his practical no nonsense way he keeps extending himself, slowly but steadily pushing upward.

Health: Tension may show up in your neck and shoulders, your stomach, and your knees. Your biggest enemy is internalizing sorrow, emotional pain, or anger; these emotions take up residence in your body and may turn to illness" (90).

5) Best You Can Hope For - Knight of Cups
"This knight's focus is on emotion and on the creativity that flows from it. A new kind of experience moves into your life. It buoys your spirits, stirs your compassion, and changes your beliefs about what is possible. This knight symbolizes the path with heart. Your tensions and loneliness ease as your emotions find an equilibrium that has been absent in recent months.

Spirituality: By taking the path with heart, a new country of the spirit opens up.

Empowerment: You delve into your deepest beliefs and emotions and reach and understanding about how they create what your experience" (102).

6) Outcome - Hierophant

Perfect Timing

Last weekend Matt and I almost broke up for real this time. It was extremely serious. We didn't, though. Well we were still bickering and there was still tension when we hung out for the first time since that dramatic weekend. I went home after hanging out on Monday and I just felt like something was wrong. I started getting jealous of Tamara, Matt's old interest and I was wondering what was going on because it was just so random that I knew it was something else.

Well, that night I was drawn to my cards and I didn't even shuffle the deck but I was drawn to these two cards.

1) Three of Swords
"Heartbreak, loss, disappointment: The news hurts. Your suffering can be quite literal. Your painful experience also may refer to the emotional aftermath of a broken relationship.

One way or another, intense feelings take their toll and cause you deep distress. These feeligs could be the result of a crisis stemming or longstanding problems between lovers.

It may become necessary to remove the cause of your pain through divorce or separation. Letting go of what no longer serves your best interests is sometimes the only way to end your pain. You probably feel that all is lost, but remember the adage: "This too shall pass." then the real healing will begin.

Romance: You've experienced enough heartache. Face facts and end the connection that has brought you so much anguish. The pain you feel at parting is nothing compared to the ongoing unhappiness of a miserable relationship. Evaluate the past patterns and the core beliefs that have brought you unhappiness and work on changing them.

Spirituality: Use your disappointments as stepping stones in your development. Look inside yourself for inspiration. Release old ideas and generate new ones. Surrender what you no longer need so there's room for the new order.

Empowerment: Acknowledge your pain, examine it, and work through it. Then let it go and move on" (171).

2) Eight of Swords
"You're holding yourself back from living life to the fullest. You project your fears and inhibitions into your surroundings, then you view them as obstacles. The limitations you perceive don't lie in the outer world. They are projections of your own inner apprehension and anxiety. Paralyzed by fear of the unknown, you're afraid to break the chains that bind you.

You're eaten up with dread and insecurity. Although you feel you're in an impossible situation, there is a way out. Remove your blinders and expand your ideas of what is possible.

Romance: Although you feel restricted, you're afraid to break your bonds and cut yourself loose. Perhaps you're lonely, or involved in an unproductive relationship. Either way, you refuse to see that you're holding yourself back" (179).

After I pulled these cards I felt much better. I realized that I was just being insecure because I wasn't sure if Matt was happy, since he needs something stable and we have been on and off. We have no middle ground, just extremes. I wrote him an email explaining my insecurity and that I don't want to drive him away because of it. I said that I don't want my insecurity to make him feel as if he is never good enough etc.

The next day the insecurity came back again and I thought it to be really strange because usually once I figure out the source of something I deal with it and move on.

Earlier today I was thinking about it and I realized that I keep comparing Matt to Frank. I definitely love Matt on a more deeper level because I am actually being challenged and we are more equal. I realize that I was acting like Matt sometimes does when he is selfish and unwilling to compromise sometimes in my relationship with Frank. Anyway, Frank made me feel secure all the time and we were just a better match emotionally. Anyways, I finally realized what I was doing and also realized that Matt will never be like Frank and I don't want to be the girlfriend who tries to change their boyfriend. That is just simply not fair.

Later we talked about it on the phone, and I was actually surprised that he was able to talk about emotions and our relationship so well. So basically, this surface insecurity was really pushing me to examine what was underneath. I was insecure because I felt like we had a communication break. We have such different personalities when it comes to communicating, and what I mean by communicating is being open and sharing what is necessary so that we don't bottle things up. This was very alarming to me because for the first time I actually acknowledged the fact that we are too very different people. We both admitted that we've been happier and than we barely have faith in the relationship now.

For him it is the stability issue. I knew that something was wrong and he finally talked to me and confirmed by suspicions. We both also agreed that we felt a distance since that horrible weekend. I was really upset because it was all brought to light for the first time. I can't think of a reason why I never thought of this before. Maybe I got caught up in the passion of the fights and it just so happened that this was the first deadly fight. It can be compared to Reagan and Cuomo and how their speeches, above all others, clearly define the differences in two American political philosophies.

Anyway, we didn't break up. After all, I chose to stay with him after that weekend because I love him so much and I got what I want so I have to deal with it since I asked for it. (This goes along with my realization that I was comparing him to Frank.) We both feel better now that we layed everything out on the table and we are not pretending that things are okay when they're not. We have acknowledged everything and even Matt says that he feels better knowing that I know how he was feeling (about the whole stability thing).

I feel absolutely better and I already feel us getting healthier. I love those damn tarot cards! They always know what's best for me...or rather I should say that I do haha!

A New Beginning-French Spread

With all this talk about new beginnings, I choose to do a French spread.

1) Things Happening Now-The Hierophant
"Organizations, groups and structures are represented by this card: religion, family, corporate America. It's about tradition, ritual, the established way of doing things. It is yang, masculine. Its astrological association is Jupiter, which in astrology rules the ninth house of higher education, organized religion, and theological leaders.

You come up against the powers that be-whether religious, corporate, or family. This clash of belief systems help you clarify your own position. A counselor, pastor, teacher, or parent offers orthodox advice or guidance that drives you nuts. Ultimately, you make your own decision and find a way to incorporate your ideas into the existing structure.

Spiritual: Conventional belief systems challenge you and deepen your spiritual values. Take time to connect with you spiritual self" (49).

I have no idea what this means or what it could possibly mean. I was scared because I thought that it was saying that I would become religious, and I hate organized religion. I was scared because a couple days ago my mom and I were visited by a pastor, who was very nice, and convinced us to go to church. I had a feeling like I had to go and I was scared that the feeling would turn me into a religious fanatic. However, I just came back from church and nothing of the sort happened. Thank god, haha. Maybe I had to go for the contacts, since the pastor has friends in Maryland government. He even asked for my resume so that he could pass it on.

Just the overall message about this card makes me cringe. It just seems like it is giving no leeway for transformation or exploration. I am a very respectful person and I follow rules but the core of me wants to rebel and to question. I love my personal freedom too much to like this card. However, I did pull this card so am interested to see how it will pan out.

2) Hopes and Dreams - Queen of Pentacles
"This queen rules her home and office with equal efficiency. She's infinitely practical, a go-getter. You're seeking practical, tangible solutions. You come up with a business plan, a strategy, or a publicity campaign that your coworkers or employees can implement effectively" (97).

3) Strength and Security - Five of Pentacles
"The news isn't good. You've reached an unlucky impasse that produces financial crisis, temporary hardship, and insecurity. Unemployment or heavy debts pull you down. Your world feels shaky right now. You keep wondering when the whole this is going to collapse completely. This card reflects those growth situations where outsiders can't help you and you must stand or fall on your own. But stop worrying. Mobilize your energy toward positive goals" (159).

4) Support or Opposition - The Hanged Man
"Reverse your established order of doing things" (61).

5) Something in the Future that may Surprise you - Judgment
"A spiritual awakening. By the time the Fool reaches this point in his journey, he has learned how to integrate his everyday awareness with higher consciousness. He now possesses the qualities that he has been seeking on his pilgrimage: enlightenment, truth, hidden knowledge, and a sense of harmony and contentment.

Wake up and realize your real work and path in life. Valuable lessons have been learned; now put then to practical use. You've been given a second chance and you're ready to live a more meaningful existence.

Release the past and start fresh. This means pay off old debts, take responsibility for your life, and stop blaming and judging others.

Happiness doesn't lie outside of yourself. Honestly review your past actions, consider how you have used or misused your opportunities, then envision your future as you wish it to be. Once you do this, your life changes for the better. The ideas that you hold firmly in your consciousness eventually appear in physical reality" (75).

When I did this spread, I was confused as to how the Five of Pentacles could stand for my strength and security so I did a Ladle Spread for the Five of Pentacles.

1) Root Question, the concern, the issue - Temperance
2) What is Hidden - Queen of Pentacles
3) What is Emerging - The Hanged Man
4) What is Visible now - Ten of Cups
5) What you Scoop out 0 Six of Pentacles
6) Resolution: how it affects you - Six of Rods

A New Beginning-Restless Energy

After the whole ordeal with finances, I had this restless feeling. I was ready for the new semester to start and I had everything organized but I was still feeling restless. So, I did a spread about it. I picked at random six cards.

King of Pentacles
"As the embodiment of worldly success and accomplishment, this king is the proverbial 'square peg in a square hole.' Above all, he is secure within himself and in his position in society. He sets achievable goals, takes measured risks, and builds from each accomplishment. In his practical, no-nonsense way he keeps extending himself, slowly but steadily pushing forward.

Spirituality: You're feeling restless without quite knowing why. Evaluate what you need to feel emotionally fulfilled and go after it with the same relentless energy that has propelled you to material prosperity" (90).

Page of Rods
"Don't abandon your goals; success lies within your grasp.

Spirituality: Discover your bliss and pursue it. Free yourself of limitations and restrictions imposed on you by others. You're going through a season of rebirth. It's spring in your heart. Wake up and move out of the darkness and into the light.

Empowerment: Your point of power lies in the present" (108).

The Empress
"She represents practicality, good luck, and success etc." (46).

Knight of Rods
"His eagerness and energy burn at the center of his being and always propel him forward. He doesn't look back.

This knight possesses a deep spiritual center that even he may not be aware of consciously.

You find what you're looking for before you even know you're looking. The bottom line is to get on with it, do whatever it is you've been wanting to do. Remain upbeat and positive; these attributes help your current situation change more quickly.

Empowerment: Your fiery nature, confidence, and enthusiasm help you reach your goals" (100).

The Devil
"The Devil represents your own fears; he is the path of least resistance. You believe that you can't do anything, that you're powerless to exert control over your life. In order to escape his bondage you must alter your thoughts and actions.

Are you a passive chooser rather than an active chooser? If you let life's events make decisions for you, then you are passively choosing, trapped in inertia and feelings of helplessness. Take charge of your own life and 'choose to choose' (66).

Eight of Pentacles
"The focus here is on education. Hard work and practical ideas have got you this far; good luck carries you the rest of the way. You take great pride in everything you do and it shows" (164).

A New Beginning-I Fought to be Here

As mentioned in the previous blog entry, I fought for this new beginning. I was having a situation with financial aid and I found out that I couldn't afford one more year at AU. There was no other option for me. I was devastated and I hid from my heartache with an extended stay with Matt. He was very supportive and nudged me to face my problems very gently. I did an Evolution Spread on the situation.

1) The Situation as it Exists Now - The Page of Pentacles
"...Finances and education are primary in your life right now" (110).

2) How the Situation will Evolve the next Four Weeks - The Hanged Man
"Think transition, postponed plans, a life in suspension, stagnation and frustration. You need to do a one-eighty in how you perceive something etc." (61).

I thought everything was going perfect until the loan situation happened.

3) Someone or Something that will Affect the Situation - The Lovers
I had to make a choice on what I was going to do and the situation would improve. I had to choose between fighting for AU or not.

4) The Outcome - The World
I would get what I wanted in the end.

Matt nudged me to fight for AU and to demand to talk to someone in charge, like a director of financial aid. I knew he was right but I was nervous that I would get my hopes up just to be denied. However, I knew that I had to fight.

I asked what would happen when I went to talk to AU higher-ups about the situation. I pulled four cards:

1) King of Swords
He "represents law and order and the justice of the establishment. He often has the last word in matters of life and death. Due to his association with authority, this King can symbolize the head of a company or a department" (91).

2) The Chariot
"It represents ambition, determination, and youthful energy. Its charioteer harnesses his power and talents and forges ahead, driven by a burning desire to succeed. The charioteer succeeds through a combination of self-discipline, bravado, and sheer willpower. This is the 'go for it' card and its purpose is to inspire you to test what you have learned and to prove your abilities" (53).

3) Three of Swords
"Heartbreak, loss and disappointment" (171).

4) Five of Rods
"Be firm, stand your ground, and don't give in" (129).

I was concerned about the Three of Swords and asked about it and the Ace of Pentacles flew out while I pulled out two cards.

Ace of Pentacles
"This ace is about positive rewards for hard work" (153).

Five of Pentacles
This card showed me that the Three of Swords came up because I was so afraid that I wouldn't get good news.

Ace of Swords
"Strength in adversity" (168).

In the end, the World did come true! It was a rough start but I damn well deserve it and I will not waste it!

A New Beginning

Today, I finally updated all of my previous written journal entries about the internship and the past couple of months. Before I fully understood the story line of the past year, I was disappointed in the situation and disappointed in Tarot for having me believe so hard that I was going to get that internship. I started writing the Story Line and left it unfinished. I was waiting to get the internship, since I thought that was the end of the journey, before I finished the Story Line. However, that never happened and I couldn't understand and didn't want to understand for a little while. I did not have the summer I planned. I was lazy. I was detached. I didn't touch my Tarot cards for a while, either.

I want a new beginning, a fresh start. I want to move on from the past, but I do not want to forget that it is a part of me. However, I think that I fear that I will not be able to break away from the past and its heavy weight.

However, this new semester is a new beginning. I fought hard for this new beginning and I will not waste it; I will treasure it.

Make Your Own Waves

I found a note that I wrote to myself when I was first starting to learn about astrology and tarot. It says:

Whenever you're stressed out, your emotions have the power of the Moon. The Moon controls emotions to the point where the undercurrents of your own self match the power of the ocean's waves, but the Moon keeps going, and so should you. Just deal. The force of the Moon is pushing you into action; it is your psyche's way of a realized potential. Make your own waves.

I Found the Moon!

I found the Moon on Thursday, April 30th. I wondered about the significance about when I found it since I was getting a X for one of my classes and I was terrified about not getting the internship at the time. It meant that I was about to face my fear and I was about to find out that this "journey" was for balance and the end result was not the internship.

About the Moon: A New Perspective

Before I lost the card, I never really thought about the Moon. I just thought it was about intuition and dreams so I never really understood what the card was trying to say. When I lost the card, I reevaluated the meaning of the card.

The Moon rules Cancer and cancer is "symbolic of innermost fears forcing their way to the surface of consciousness. As the crab crawls up into consciousness, we often try to push him back down in the unconscious. However, if we do this, he nevertheless continues to exist there, still giving rise to vague fears and unacknowledged anxieties until such time as we allow the crab, that is our fears, to come right out to be faced" (Sharman-Burke, 116).

The Moon is Missing

I first realized that I lost my Moon on 4/03/09. I was just thinking about the missing Moon and pulled five cards. Two were in one group and three in the other group.

Why it was the Moon that went missing:

Five of Pentacles
"The news isn't good. You've reached an unlucky impasse that produces financial crisis, temporary hardship, and insecurity. Unemployment or heavy debts pull you down. A costly illness may be involved. Your world feels shaky right now. You keep wondering when the whole thing is going to collapse completely.

This five reflects those growth situations where outsiders can't help you and you must stand or fall on your own. Your mind is focused on survival issues. Inertia threatens. Stop worrying. Mobilize your energy toward positive goals" (p. 159).

The Sun
"This card is a portal, an opening in your life. It brings exuberance, enthusiasm, attainment, success, material wealth. All things associated with the Sun are indicated: tropical climates, enlightenment, empowerment, and the joy of creativity and rebirth. This card's work is to cleanse , to purify, to enhance, to improve, to illuminate.

You feel empowered because your goals seem clearer than they've ever been. You embrace your destiny and realize you've created it. By saying yes to opportunity, your life opens into new vistas" (p. 73).

Why it went missing:

Eight of Swords
"You're holding yourself back from living life to the fullest. You project your fears and inhibitions into your surroundings, then you view them as obstacles. The limitations you perceive don't lie in the outer world. They are projections of your own inner apprehension and anxiety. Paralyzed by fear of the unknown, you're afraid to break the chains that bind you.

You feel as if you're in a mental prison, unable to find your way out of a situation. All exits seem to be blocked. You're eaten up with dread and insecurity. However, it's your fear of the unknown that holds you back. You've boxed yourself in and convinced yourself that you have no options.

Although you feel you're in an impossible situation, there is a way out. Remove your blinders and expand your ideas of what is possible" (p. 179).

The Hanged Man
"Think transition, postponed plans, a life in suspension, stagnation, and frustration. You need to do a one-eighty in how you perceive something. After all, a person hanging upside down doesn't see the world in the same way as someone standing on the ground.

This marks the point in the Fool's journey when he begins to question the deeper meaning and purpose of his life. The old beliefs and ideas have lost their meaning and no longer satisfy him, be he is confused about his new direction.

Adjust your point of view, reverse your established order of doing things. The decision you're waiting for is delayed. Make an effort to avoid victim consciousness; this standstill isn't permanent. You're stuck in a rut because of rigid ideas and fixed concepts. Release ideas and associations that are obsolete.

Spirituality: Events in your life force you to look within. You realize that the inner reality creates the outer reality" (p. 61).

The Star

I did another spread and asked what the main lessons to be learned are. I pulled the Five of Rods, of course, and then The Moon. Interesting, huh?

The Star

This card fell out of the deck 4/03/09. I was feeling scattered and stressed out. This card is about calm, renewal and healing. I really liked the feeling of the word healing at the time. I mentioned that I was so stressed out and focused on work/internship etc that I forgot to take care of myself first.

I also noted that I had to put my energy toward a more balanced outlook.

The Emperor

This card was pulled on 3/26/09. I wrote what I felt at the time I pulled the card. I wrote that it was a positive feeling, like a calm. I wrote that I felt that things were looking up because I felt an energy/focused intent to succeed and follow through.

This card also says that "part of the Emperor's work is to organize clusters of our root beliefs into conscious frameworks."

Now that I look at the journal entry again, (I have a pretty journal that I was writing in for a while when not posting), I realize that this card was all about me finding harmony and balance. My conscious mind had to catch up with what was going on deep inside me spiritually and it does take some work for a conscious framework to form.

A Lesson to be Learned

So the Monday after I did the exhausion spread, I met this girl in one of my classes. We started talking and she is in the same boat as I am with money. Her parents can't cosign either so we is working two jobs. I got jealous of her because she has a job in a law firm and somehow manages to work two jobs while still having time to do all of her schoolwork and be active in a sorority.

She made me feel lazy. I felt that I wasn't doing enough. I felt inadequate. I thought that I should be able to balance everything like she does. That got me thinking. The lesson that I am learning in this time in my life is the Five of Rods. She may have already learned that lesson and is in a different stage of the Fool's journey than I am.

I like this idea and it actually helped my jealousy.

Exhaustion

Lately I have been so tired. I just feel exhausted in every inch of my body. My mind is tired too. Because of this, I've been lazy. I don't feel very productive and I'm still stuck. I was thinking about all of this when I pulled two cards.

Ace of Swords
"Strength in adversity is the hallmark of this ace. You use all of your willpower, courage, and intellect to reach your goals. However, it's double edge means that it cuts both ways; the results of its power and energy may be destructive as well as constructive.

Health: You need to find ways to release the pressure of pent-up emotions, stress, and anxiety. Physical activity is the panacea you've been looking for. Whichever plan you follow, working out on a daily basis helps to bring your physical and mental energy into balance" (168).

The Ace of Swords is my greatest strength...and my greatest downfall. This energy really is double-edged.

The Chariot
"It exemplifies the hero's journey and represents ambition, determination, and youthful energy. Its charioteer harnesses his power and talents and forges ahead, driven by a burning desire to succeed. Like Indiana Jones, the charioteer succeeds through a combination of self-discipline, bravado, and sheer willpower.

This is the "go for it" card and its purpose is to inspire you to test what you have learned and to prove your abilities. Unlike the Fool, the individual who drives the Chariot knows the reason for his journey.

Health: Preventative medicine is the key word. Work out to stay in shape, watch your diet, avoid overexertion. Your nerves may be vulnerable, so when you're tired or don't feel well, take it easy, slow down. A chronic health problem improves significantly and part of it is due to the fact that you're too busy with other things to obsess about it" (53).

All good advice on how to deal with the Five of Rods.

August 08 to July 09

"With this card the Fool's journey ends; he arrives at his destination. The goal has been reached and all the elements of a situation have been drawn into a synthesized whole.

You've reached a deep understanding of the issues that concern you. You've begun to realize that everything in life starts within and radiates outward, that your most private beliefs create the reality that you live. Everything is available to you. Now it's time to free yourself from restriction. Expand your horizons.

Completion, success, fulfillment. You're ready to reap your rewards and move on to a new phase. If you've been working on a long-term project that seems like it will never end, be assured that the conclusion is near.

Don't assume that your ultimate goal in life has been attained. This card symbolizes peak experiences where you move a step closer toward becoming who you really are. The world dancer serves as a reminder that the journey is the true goal" (76).

This card symbolizes the peak of this spiritual journey that I've undergone the past couple of months. I just wanted to recap to see how far I've come and for renewed hope in the future.

This whole journey started back in August of 08, whether I knew it at the time or not. As I looked through the spreads I did that month, the main theme of apathy was very clear. And I was. The cards mentioned something about a process to me. They told me that the process is what is important. The cards were warning me of what was to come. I got Death and I was moving towards The Lovers. My psyche was warning me something was up, with my being apathetic, and my cards told me of a journey where major transformation would occur.

In September, I asked my cards whether this was a pivotal moment in time for me. I pulled The Fool and The Hermit. The Hermit is the truth seeker and that was my path. This was when I finally realized that I was on a journey of self-discovery.

October was when I broke up with Frank. That was the actual start of this transformation that was to happen. Looking back though, I do not think that I could have even gotten to this place if it wasn't for him. He helped me get over my insecurities and he helped me become a stronger person so that I could become who I am eventually suppose to be.

In November, before I got with Matt, I did a Reality Shift Spread. The Ten of Swords represents the direction that I was giving my inner self now. It talks of a final resolution of a situation and a dramatic end of a cycle. This was the end of my mourning the break-up. I moved on and cleared the deadwood so that I could begin another cycle.

The King of Swords represented how my external reality reflects the Ten of Swords. I cut out what I didn't need anymore, which was the relationship with Frank. I was at a point in my life where I needed to grow spiritually and he wasn't in the same place. I feel that when sweeping change occurs to shake you up and puts you on the path where you are suppose to be, that everything in your life has to harmonize. Without it, you are held back from reaching your potential.

The Ace of Swords was how I would empower myself to change my reality. That card is all about strength through adversity. There is nothing more I can say to elaborate on that card.

What I find particularly interesting, especially as I look back on all of these spreads, is that I pulled the Five of Rods. It represents how my outer self would respond to this new directive my life was taking. This card is all about conflict. It was my inner conflict of being put on this path unexpectedly and with my moon in Taurus, the transformation was a slow process. Nothing had been harmonized yet and I felt so scattered. Now looking back, this is what caused the stagnation to resulted later.

How my life will shift as a result of the Five of Rods was represented by the Queen of Pentacles. This told me that I would enter a spiritually rich period of my life. This is so true.

What I ultimately create is the Five of Cups. This card describes a pain and emptiness I would feel due to a loss of spiritual vitality. For a while, the process really had to sink in and I chose to not act because I was still trying to comprehend the whole situation. This was the result of the Five of Cups.

My new path was represented by the Two of Cups. This is a path where the conflict stops and everything is in balance and perfect harmony. I didn't understand this at the time of the spread.

Latter on in December, I went to a palm reader with Jessie. I forget exactly what she said but she mentioned that I would find my career niche and I did some spreads on it. The overall message was that my career and spirituality were connected for me.

I asked myself what was holding me back and it was the inner conflict stemming from the Five of Rods and the ebb and flow of the seasons. This was still a process of significant transformation, which would be over when I resolved my inner demons and conflicts.

In January 2009, I pulled the Empress and it told me to nurture all I am so that I can become all that I can be. I still had to find balance.

Also in January I got hints from my spreads that my spiritual path is on a mental plane and that once I find my niche, I'll become emotionally immersed in my new path. My life would lead to the Two of Cups when I achieve mental balance, which would resume my life's forward momentum. This all stems from the Five of Rods. However, I didn't listen to this message and went ahead and created the Five of Cups situation.

Through February and March, I disregarded opportunities for growth because I was still in the Five of Cups. At the time, I was sure that the Two of Cups would be me fusing my career and spirituality with the SSA internship. I thought that was the final goal of me finally fusing my inner and outer selves. However, I still did not understand the importance of balance and harmony because if I did get the SSA internship, I wouldn't be at the peak of my potential. I wouldn't have the tool set to find harmony. The SSA would only be a temporary fix because I still had inner conflict.

In April I had lost my motivation. I was so disappointed that I didn't have the internship yet that I started to question whether I picked the wrong major or not. I asked myself what the point was in my major if I couldn't apply it.

I asked my cards whether I picked the right major and I got the Sun. The Sun is about positive energy. The Fool has learned from his past life and limitations and his pattern of experience has become a solid foundation from which he can proceed. "The Sun symbolizes the masculine capacity to impart form and structure. His influence gives form the the formless, shape to the shapeless" (Burke, 120). The Sun stands for success, prosperity and happiness.

When I thought about why I was questioning my major I pulled the Eight of Swords. I finally understood that my fear of not getting the SSA internship blocked balance, and with my Scorpio side giving all or nothing, I was stuck mentally. I then asked myself "How do I start believing without hearing from the SSA?" Looking back, I shouldn't have asked that question because the only was I was to start believing and getting into balance was if I didn't get the internship.

In April I even asked again about the internship. I just couldn't see what was going on back then. I got the Ten of Swords. The card was telling me that I should give up on a lost cause and get on with the true purpose of what was going on. I would have to accept the inevitable and move on.

In June, I was tired of being disappointed about the internship and I wanted something new. I was then able to understand the purpose of this whole journey.

Nine of Swords

"Worry and anxiety are the literal meaning of this nine. You experience sleepless nights and stress-induced nightmares. Fear runs rampant and you're convinced that your situation will continue to deteriorate and will never change for the better.

You're suffering from intense anxiety. Although your sense of impending doom and disaster may be unfounded, your pain is very real. Apprehension and difficulty sleeping have left you vulnerable to feelings of hopelessness" (181).

So I heard back from the Social Security Administration. I got an email and I didn't look through all the documents that they sent. I was just go excited to hear back from them. I thought that practically got it because they wanted me to fill out a Declaration of Federal Employment. When I took the time this past week to read everything through and they said that the programs I wanted to apply to are filled up already. I was soo incredibly bummed out.

So I kept doing tarot spreads and the cards were telling me different things and i was confused. I kept getting the Nine of Swords though. That was the only constant. I talked to Amanda about it and she said that the cards were probably confused because she has found that cards pick up on your negative energy. This would explain the Nine of Swords. My cards were trying to tell me that I had too much negative energy and that I should come back later when I've cleared my head.

I know by now that the cards don't lie and I have to stand strong and believe that despite the obstacles in my way, that I will get this internship.

Five of Rods

So I'm on my spring break. I haven't heard from SSA about my internship yet. I keep checking my email everyday but still no news. I remember talking to my internship advisor and he told me not to worry if they don't get back to me right away. At least I applied early.

Well, I couldn't help but feel a little disappointed. Also, Matt got a great job that is a step towards a career. I am genuinely happy for him. I'm not jealous in any means but I'm still waiting to hear from SSA. I feel like I haven't moved forward toward who I am suppose to be yet. I definitely have moved past the mental block I was dealing with for a while; it was a spiritual process. But I want my world to reflect who I am now. I want to harmonize my inner and outer worlds to feel complete.

So I was beginning to get restless earlier tonight. Whenever I get restless, I listen. It's the psyche's way of letting me know that something is up. So I started to think about the week ahead. I want it to be productive; I want to organize my life, and that got me thinking. I wrote a list of visualizations of my future and personal growth. I don't just want to organize my academic life; I want overall convergence. So I did Tarot and asked if I would have productive week ahead. I pulled the Five of Rods.

"Others want what you want and the contest is likely to be exciting and heated, filled with action and rivalry. Don't allow your competitors to gain the advantage. Be firm, stand your ground, don't give in. Despite the uphill battle, you overcome the competition.

The competition refers to a business, social, or spiritual situation. You expend so much energy countering your rivals that it's interfering with the rest of your life, and you don't have time for your usual pursuits. So make time. Set aside space for yourself and your passions.

Empowerment: You rise to the challenge" (129).

Okay, my personal meaning of this card isn't so literal about competition. It's about conflict-particularly inner conflict. The conflict between my newly strengthened foundation and the portrayal of it in the outer world. The conflict between my old self, (with the bout of disappointment over the internship edging it on), and who I want to be.

The card shows four men evenly matched. I just have to set my priorities and go after it while standing firm. So I will make time this week to get back to basics.

Two of Cups

Right after I did my past, present and future, I asked my cards if I would get the internship that I want, which is the one I applied for today at the Social Security Administration.

"Partnerships of all kinds and marriage in particular are inherent to this card. In many ways it's more indicative of a love relationship than the Lovers. While the trump concerns commitment and choice in ongoing unions, the two of cups relates to romance, courtship, and passion that may ultimately lead to marriage.

Emotional balance and cordial personal encounters are hallmarks of this two. You accept with equanimity whatever life brings.

Friendship and companionship are highlighted. Get out of the house, enjoy yourself, spend time with people you care about. Dating and other social activities balance your life. Show your appreciation of your friends and family.

Work: Expect a smooth partnership that will benefit both parties. In your working environment, you encounter the harmony, pleasant surroundings, cooperation, and friendly atmosphere you desire. A contract is consummated. You get the job you applied for, are accepted to the college of your choice, win a raise or promotion or both" (139).

Past, Present, Future

Past: The World
"With this card, the Fool's journey ends; he arrives at his destination. The goal has been reached and all the elements of a situation have been drawn into a synthesized whole.

You've reached a deep understanding of the issues that concern you. You've begun to realize that everything in life starts within and radiates outward, that your most private beliefs create that reality that you live. Everything is available to you. Now it's time to free yourself from restriction. Expand your horizons.

Completion, success, fulfillment. You're ready to reap your rewards and move on to a new phase. If you've been working on a long-term project that seems like it will never end, be assured that the conclusion is near.

Don't assume that your ultimate goal in life has been attained. This card symbolizes peak experiences where you move a step toward becoming who you really are. This is an intermediate period in which you may enjoy your triumphs before you begin again as the Fool. The World dancer serves as a reminder that the journey is the true goal.

Empowerment: You have surmounted your obstacles and overcome your limitations" (76).

Present: Page of Pentacles
This is the energy that I feel now. I am so excited and eager to hopefully get an internship at the Social Security Administration.

Future: Seven of Pentacles
"It's time to take stock. Evaluate your achievements and trust that the projects you've set in motion can now move forward under their own momentum. You may be tempted to rest on your laurels for a while, but the pause won't last long. Your inspiration urges you on.

Through honest appraisal of your needs and desires, you attune yourself to deeper levels of awareness and take your cues from synchronicities, hunches, impulses.

You have what it takes. Your hard work is about to pay off financially. You feel pride and fulfillment in what you've done and now you reflect on where you've been and where you would like to go. You reevaluate your goals, relationships, lifestyle, and dreams, and decide that you've done just fine so far. Buoyed by your past success, you charge into the future" (162).

Energy Spread

I pulled two cards. One was to tell me the energy for March 2 and the other was to tell me how to use this energy. I pulled the Queen of Rods to tell me how to use the Four of Cups.

Four of Cups
"Suffused with apathy, you don't recognize new opportunity when it's presented. Take a second look; it may be better than you think. You have a lot going for you but are too full of discontent and self-pity to appreciate what you've got.

If you're experiencing occasional periods of mental and physical laziness, a fresh idea or interesting project will provide new momentum. This four is sometimes a wake-up call to recognize that your depression may be more than just a passing mood.

You have choices but consider then to be without merit. Even when someone offers you an opportunity, you greet it with disdain. Perhaps you're jaded by the good things in life; perhaps you're simply in a period where the future seems bleak. Whatever the cause, you're disregarding opportunities for growth, renewed happiness, and satisfaction" (142).

I definitely missed opportunities. I knew what I had to do but I was just stagnant. This has been the energy I've been dealing with for a while.

Queen of Rods
"She is businesslike and exuberant about everything she does. She seems to have inexhaustible reserves of energy, has a flair for drama, and is passionate about things she believes in. She's all fire: Aries, Leo, Sagittarius" (93).

I plunged forward and followed through. I finally realized that I found my niche; regulation policy in terms of social security. Everything seems to be converging; all the politics, public policy, regulation and administrative politics classes I've taken have merged into one path. I got so much work done today and I was really proud of myself!

Willpower and Determination Spread

So last night I was feeling really restless. It was Sunday night and I had a full day of classes to look forward to. But somehow I still felt restless. I still feel like I did last semester in terms of the semester. I don't like this nervous energy. I thought of earlier spreads that I had done that were so positive and I just feel like I have lost that feeling. So I asked my cards if I was loosing my willpower and determination.

I pulled four cards. The foundation of the spread was the Eight of Cups and the Four of Pentacles. Above those two cards I placed the Seven of Rods and above that I got the Ace of Rods.

Eight of Cups
"You're leaving the past behind. You abandon a situation because of disappointment, disillusionment, or merely because things have reached their natural conclusion. Unlike the Five of Cups, which usually means that someone has left you, the eight indicates that you voluntarily turn away form a dying situation.

Traditionally this card is connected to the Hermit. You may decide to put the things of ordinary life behind you in order to devote yourself to the search for wisdom and enlightenment.

You're leaving a situation that no longer works. It's a conscious decision, based on a sense of stagnation and the need to experience other things.

You're feeling blue or fatigued, suffering the effects of this in-between stage when you've completed a life phase and are waiting for new inspiration or energy.

Health: The insecurity of not knowing what the future holds plays havoc with your health. You experience periods of depression, stress, and uncertainty. But you're moving in the right direction. Refuse to become discouraged, pull yourself out of the blues, and nurture a belief in your body's ability to heal itself.

Spirituality: You find depth of meaning in solitude. Your inward turning is directly related to the changes in your life. In stillness and meditation, you forge a new link with your higher self. Your spiritual quest begins alone, out of need, and through it you open yourself to all that has been lacking in your life.

Empowerment: You follow your inner voice toward new horizons" (149).

This is definitely how I feel right now, which is why I think that it is part of the foundation of the spread.

Four of Pentacles
"You want a strong financial base and you're willing to compromise your higher aspirations to attain it. You tend to be possessive, holding on to what is yours. Even though you work hard to reach your goals, your accomplishments don't bring you the satisfaction you crave.

Don't be afraid of change, and guard against clinging to the status quo. It could attract disaster. Open yourself to new ideas and the opinions of others.

You're clinging to what is familiar: a job, material possessions, a relationship, or a certain safe environment. You know that your fixed ideas of security and safety are holding you back from fulfillment, but right now you're too scared to change. You abhor extravagance and waste and know how to make every penny count. You believe that a certain amount of selfishness concerning your time or financial resources is needed to build a solid financial foundation.

Spirituality: Find your inner comfort zone and use it as a starting point for chakra meditation. Ace on the images are impulses you receive. After all, these messages are coming from the deepest levels of your being" (158).

This is the root of my problem and was therefore the other point in the foundation. I feel like the spreads I did earlier were telling me about my awakening. I saw what my cards were trying to tell me but I took no action. I was stagnant. Then after a while, I started to feel restless and depressed, ( I hate using that word as a feeling and not a condition but it just suits the situation).

I feel like with the whole break-up with Frank, I secluded myself from the world and form myself. I felt disconnected. I just went through the motions. Just breathe and live. I disconnected because it was how I dealt with the overwhelming sensation that my world was crashing down. So I would ignore all parts of me, and their extensions into the world. So I wouldn't go to class because the development of my career is important to me. I would just stay up to the point where I was so tired that I couldn't think and then I would sleep. I was always tired and out of energy. It was how I dealt.

I am doing the same thing, still. It was my comfort zone and now I realize that. I was wondering why I was repeating the same actions.

Seven of Rods
" You possess the ability to succeed against all opposition. You're in an advantageous position. Face up to the situation, take a stand, don't hesitate to assert your own point of view. Because of its connection to wisdom and knowledge, this even incorporates skills in teaching, lecturing, and composing. It's sometimes referred to as the writer's card.

You're meeting the challenge, whatever form it takes. Your next step is to tie up the loose ends of the past and get on with your life. You triumph over the competition by making your own decisions and relying on your inner strength and judgment.

Health: Maintain your exercise program, your diet, whatever therapy you're using. Your body's innate wisdom rallies to your defense. You not only meet the challenge-you move beyond it. You benefit from martial-arts training, Tai Chi, and yoga.

Spirituality: Your beliefs are tested by someone whose convictions differ from yours or by someone who hopes to convert you to another way of thinking. Listen to what the individual has to say, weigh it against what feels right to you, then defend your position" (132).

I feel like this card is telling me that I can get past this comfort zone. I also feel like it means that it will be a challenge to reconnect my mind, spirit, soul and body, but that I will make it. This is above the foundation because it is the step that takes me to the Ace of Rods.

Ace of Rods
"This card signals a creative beginning, the birth of an idea, a raise or promotion or a new job, the start of a new enterprise, or new challenges. Associated with this ace is boundless energy, fiery enthusiasm, optimism, and exhilaration. It's a signal to proceed with whatever has sparked your interest and excitement.

Think new: a journey, the birth of a child, a sexual escapade, or the opening of a business. Good news about work or spiritual matters arrives in the mail or by phone. A contract is signed, a manuscript sold, or an advance payment received.

Your head spins with new ideas. Now that you've laid to rest of most of your doubts and hesitations, you're ready to quit your secure job and strike out on your own.

Health: A spiritual awakening affects your health in a positive way. Your improved physical condition becomes a springboard for psychic exploration.

Spirituality: A rebirth of the spirit takes place. You broaden your worldview and expand your idea of what's possible. The mind-body link is a reality for you. Seize the opportunity to follow your impulses. The results will astound you.

Empowerment: Your bliss grabs you and you go wherever it takes you" (123).

Birthday Spread: Ten of Swords

This is the card that scared me. This card represents where I am now. First of all, I always get a little nervous whenever I get swords in a spread, even though I love what that suit stands for. After all, it is my astrological counterpart.

When I first saw the card I got the impression that it was a bad card. However, something drew me to the card. I just held it and felt a very positive vibe. I see the spirit of the man rising toward the Sun when I take a second look at this card.

"You're facing forced change and the final resolution of a situation or the dramatic end of a cycle. You give up on a lost cause and get on with the true purpose of your life. Ultimately you feel relieved, accept the inevitable and move on.

Despite the usually harsh depiction of this card in most decks, it isn't about physical death. [It's about endings, treachery, and misfortune.] It usually spells the end of a relationship, situation, or a particular time in your life. [You may feel as if you've been stabbed in the back by someone you trusted.]

[Your loss seems worse than it is because it's unexpected and ends something you've been counting on.] Actually, the worst is over and now you need to clear out the dead wood before you can move forward.

Spirituality: The death and rebirth of the spirit signal the end of one cycle and the beginning of another. This is connected at a deeper level to the ego's release of some idea to which it has been attached. You may even experience a sense of relief as one portion of your inner struggle comes to an end and you have no choice except to let go.

Empowerment: There is little left in life for you to fear" (182).

This card isn't about backstabbing to me at all. This card is only positive.

It's My Birthday!

It's my birthday! I am finally 21 years old :o) So I decided to do a Birthday Spread. Except, I got several cards that I've never gotten before, and some that actually scared me at first. So the spread went something like this:

1) Ten of Swords
2) Page of Swords
3) Six of Pentacles
4) Six of Rods
5) Five of Swords
6) Page of Cups
7) The Empress
8) Ace of Cups
9) Judgment

Oh So in Love <3

So earlier this morning I came home from Matt's place. I was feeling so overjoyed just to be with him. I really love him and I love the way he makes me feel. I feel like I am on top of the world and that anything is possible. I was in such a good mood that I wanted that feeling to last, so I decided to to Tarot.

I just shuffled thinking about how my love for Matt was making me feel and I didn't think about anything but that really and I made four piles. I drew the four cards on top.

1) Knight of Swords
"Like the young Alexander the Great, the Knight of Swords charges forward, conquering everything in his path. He rides bravely into the storm, waving his sword, all bravado and courage, eager to overcome every obstacle. This card addresses the need for both a mental and a physical show of strength. It represents a brave and aggressive young man who is prepared to defend his beliefs.

When the Knight symbolizes a situation rather than an individual, expect a sudden whirlwind of social activity. This may include short trips out of town, gathering where ideas are exchanged, and a sudden, positive surge in your work.

It's time to stop talking about what you're going to do and just do it. Don't hesitate to express your opinion. You can win over any adversary with solid reasoning and logical arguments.

Spirituality: Your impatience works against you. Slow down, take time to process what's going on, listen to your heart, not your head.

Empowerment: Cultivate perfect faith that what you need will be provided before you need it. Be careful what you wish for" (105).

2) King of Swords
"This warrior/scholar/diplomat may be a policeman, lawyer, judge, doctor, writer, philosopher, general, or president. He represents law and order and the justice of the establishment. He cuts ruthlessly through what he perceives as unnecessary or illogical. He often has the last word in matters of life and death.

Due to his association with authority, this kind can symbolize the head of a company or a department. He provides wise counsel and although he rarely vacillates on important issues, he weighs everything carefully. The astrological element of this kind is air: Aquarius.

You're put on notice that it may be time to cut away from old ideas and beliefs that have outlived their purpose. However, be fair and logical when making decisions that affect other people. You may rely too much on your intellect; learn to listen to your intuition.

Spirituality: Your spiritual path begins on a mental level, through an intellectual curiosity about religion, philosophy, metaphysics. Read, study, research. Once you've found your intellectual niche, you become immersed emotionally in your path.

Empowerment: Your sharp intellect cuts to the heart of any matter" (92).

3) Two of Pentacles
"Think balance, adaptability, and equilibrium. You juggle a number of different projects and sources of income. This may entail working two jobs or handling full-time employment as you attend school. However, you don't feel overburdened because pleasure is inherent to your pursuits.

You strike a balance, but you do it with the cheer and enthusiasm of a juggler in a vaudeville act. There's a hidden magic in the way you maintain your equilibrium. You may be balancing a variety of projects or harmonizing inner spiritual development with outer material growth. Avoid spreading yourself too thin. If necessary, narrow your choices to maintain a balanced disposition.

Spirituality: By reading books with spiritual themes, you open yourself to new possibilities. You begin to accept the holistic view that mind, body, emotions, and spirit are intimately connected. What affects one, affects the other. You draw spiritual nourishment from the daily aspects of your life.

Empowerment: Your versatility is your greatest strength" (155).

4) Two of Swords
"You've reached the proverbial fork in the road and don't know which path to take. You keep procrastinating about your choice because there's something about the situation you refuse to see. A temporary truce or compromise may be in place, but the problem still exists. Sooner or later you must make a decision to end the stalemate.

You're immobilized by your own fear and it has brought you to an impasse. Ignoring your problem won't make it go away. The time has come to choose. By acting swiftly and decisively you can turn the situation to your advantage.

Spirituality: By practicing Tai Chi, you regain your mental balance and sense of inner peace. On a deeper level, meditation allows you to temporarily withdraw from your worldly concerns. Breathing exercises help put you into the proper frame of mind so that you can decide what you what to do next.

Empowerment: You've got a decision to make and once you've made it your life will resuem its forward momentum" (170).

So I make my own path. I have to decide that first and foremost. I choose to follow the path that I will create by listening to my intuition. And right now, I am crawling with anticipation and enthusiasm. I will relax and take time out to listen to my intuition because I will be in a better state of mind to begin my spiritual path, first on a mental plane.

The King of Swords, I feel, represents Saturn and it's influence this year. It is the influence of this card that let me cut right through to what I need to do.

Since I am starting this spiritual journey on a mental plane first, by reading and studying etc., my emotions will follow. It will match the emotion I feel when I think of Matt. This way, I become more balanced. Through this, everything will converge.

I have full faith in all I said because of the energy the Knight of Swords. I will charge forward and try to keep this passion burning by drawing on daily life. Every move I make will be one more step on this path I am seeking.

Past, Present, Future

Past) Queen of Swords
"This Queen is Pallas Athena, the great warrior queen. She is something of a dichotomy, however, because her readiness to do battle is combined with femininity and creative intelligence.

A woman alone, this queen may be widowed or divorced and is sometimes childless. She is probably an independent career woman with her own ideas and values. Quite often, she is viewed as sister-consort, rather than wife, to the King of Swords. Astrologically, her element is air.

You know how to cut through extraneous information to get to the heart of the matter. You tend to be outspoken, your tongue is sharp. Although you're usually fair and just, you can be vindictive. Secretive by nature, you're able to detect secrecy in others. Things don't come easily; you may have to defend your position and fight for what is rightfully yours.

Empowerment: Having overcome many difficulties, you face the future knowing who you are and where you are going" (99).

So I think this Queen represents part of my personality rather than a situation or a certain person. I feel like it represents strong will and determination and it was with that strength that I found out that I have to direct my energy into something creative.

Present) Four of Swords
"Incarceration is the literal meaning of this card. It can mean a hospital stay, jail term, a period of rest and recuperation, or simply time out for quiet contemplation. Whatever the form it takes, this four signifies a period of inactivity or convalescence and time away from your normal life.

Your strength is exhausted and circumstances conspire to force you to slow down or temporarily drop out and rest. For now you're stuck in neutral. This break in your activities is long overdue; use it to revitalize yourself. Take a vacation, go on a retreat, or just relax and get in touch with your inner self.

Empowerment: Put all your concerns to one side and take time out. You'll emerge renewed and refreshed" (173).

There has been a period of inactivity. I did all of those tarot spreads about the new year and I still feel like I am stalled. I haven't been as active as I feel the urge to be. I haven't been doing Tarot lately and I feel like I need to get back to it again. I need to feel refreshed. However, I have been hanging out with Matt a lot recently and that is always relaxing. But I don't feel relaxed when I am by myself, which is a sign that something is up.

I'm going to move all of my fears to the back of my mind and let the cleansing process begin. I will take this time out in order to think things through and let this process ease my tension and anxiety. I need to combine my inner self with the outter world. I am feeling anxious and I have a lot of nervous energy.

But now that I think of it, maybe this card means more of an incarceration period rather than it trying to tell me to take a time out and relax. All I want to do is jump right into the middle and make some noise. I want to start my path. The incarceration period is something I need to finalize my thoughts and for contemplation before I make a splash. This card is telling me that I need to do this in order to renew myself. To center myself. To listen to myself again, now more than ever.

Future) The Chariot
"It exemplifies the hero's journey and represents ambition, determination, and youthful energy. Its charioteer harnesses his power and talents and forges ahead, driven by a burning desire to succeed. Like Indiana Jones, the charioteer succeeds through a combination of self-discipline, bravado, and sheer willpower.

This is the 'go for it' card and its purpose is to inspire you to test what you have learned and to prove your abilities. Unlike the Fool, the individual who drives the Chariot knows the reason for his journey. You're in the driver's seat and you create your own destiny through your actions.

Empowerment: Through purposeful action, you achieve your goals" (53).

I can already feel that energy building up. This semester is when I will make things happen.

A New Year with a New Direction

So to keep in tune with the last couple of spreads, this all started with the thoughts of Matt and why the Tarot cards seemed to brush over our relationship. (They did, however, tell me that Matt is my soulmate.)

So I was thinking about all of this before the New Year and came to a few conclusions. First of all, with the break-up with Frank I found a new found independence. And I was feeling anxious about that new independence for some reason. Something was driving me to do something. It's kind of like the psyche's way of pushing you to explore and actualize an unrealized potential in your life.

And right now, The Fool defines our relationship right now-which is amazingly good.

And because of the energy of The Fool in my life, I feel like my energy is scattered. But that does not mean that I am on shaky ground. I was strong enough to get through the break-up (even though part of my way of dealing with it was to ignore it at first until I was mentally ready to deal; I basically shut out emotions). Because of all of that energy, I felt restless and wanted to do spreads about Matt and the relationship.

So when I tried to do spreads about Matt and they didn't make sense, I thought about the Six of Rods, which told me that I found what I've always wanted. I also thought about nurturing myself and I started to think that I should just listen to my intuition. My cards already told me that I found the man of my dreams. I just needed to let go of that fear that was still lingering for a little bit and trust my intuition and let that empower me. I no longer needed to do a spread about Matt.

Everything with Matt is great right now and this is a new year, afterall. So with my new found independence and energy, I realized that I just need to direct it somewhere. This matches with the influence of Saturn in the New Year.

I used to not really like Saturn or what it stood for. But now I gained an appreciation for it. It was the influence of Saturn that made me realize what my psyche was trying to tell me. It pushes you to realize what is important.

Ace of Cups

"If you're single and uncommitted a new love affair is on the way. If you're married or already involved, expect a passionate renewal of your relationship. Synonymous with the Holy Grail, this ace is a symbol of love that is intrinsically spiritual, which connects us to something larger than ourselves.

Think newness with this card-new love, new start, new appreciation for life, new fortune, new opportunities, joy, fertility, a spiritual awakening. A happy situation is about to start or is already in the beginning stages.

Your affair is no one-night-stand; this is love in the purest sense of the word. Allow yourself to experience the joy of letting go into unconditional love and acceptance" (138).

Work was actually fun. The district manager was suppose to come in but she never showed up and everyone was in a super good mood because of it.

I spent the rest of that day with Matt. I love him.

Six of Rods

"Known as the victory card, this six relates to the successful completion of a task, project, or business venture. You have overcome all obstacles, triumph is nearly upon you. With a combition of persistence, intelligence, and clear vision, you achieve your cherished dream.

Welcome this card. It indicates that in spite of problems or delays you've experienced, you win. It portends vindication and reward for your hard work. Whatever it brings, you have earned in through drive, amition, desire, and belief in your own abilities.

Romance: You win the man of your dreams, it's as simple and as complex as that. If you're already committed, your significant other sees your side of things; a deeper understanding results. You now know when to keep your own counsel, when to speak up, when to back off" (130).

Pretty simple. Matt is everything that I ever wanted in a boyfriend and I am scared that it is too good to be true. I told him how I felt and he texted "Baby don't be scared, this is all real, we will take it slow, I love ya." See, isn't he perfect??