A Lesson to be Learned

So the Monday after I did the exhausion spread, I met this girl in one of my classes. We started talking and she is in the same boat as I am with money. Her parents can't cosign either so we is working two jobs. I got jealous of her because she has a job in a law firm and somehow manages to work two jobs while still having time to do all of her schoolwork and be active in a sorority.

She made me feel lazy. I felt that I wasn't doing enough. I felt inadequate. I thought that I should be able to balance everything like she does. That got me thinking. The lesson that I am learning in this time in my life is the Five of Rods. She may have already learned that lesson and is in a different stage of the Fool's journey than I am.

I like this idea and it actually helped my jealousy.

Exhaustion

Lately I have been so tired. I just feel exhausted in every inch of my body. My mind is tired too. Because of this, I've been lazy. I don't feel very productive and I'm still stuck. I was thinking about all of this when I pulled two cards.

Ace of Swords
"Strength in adversity is the hallmark of this ace. You use all of your willpower, courage, and intellect to reach your goals. However, it's double edge means that it cuts both ways; the results of its power and energy may be destructive as well as constructive.

Health: You need to find ways to release the pressure of pent-up emotions, stress, and anxiety. Physical activity is the panacea you've been looking for. Whichever plan you follow, working out on a daily basis helps to bring your physical and mental energy into balance" (168).

The Ace of Swords is my greatest strength...and my greatest downfall. This energy really is double-edged.

The Chariot
"It exemplifies the hero's journey and represents ambition, determination, and youthful energy. Its charioteer harnesses his power and talents and forges ahead, driven by a burning desire to succeed. Like Indiana Jones, the charioteer succeeds through a combination of self-discipline, bravado, and sheer willpower.

This is the "go for it" card and its purpose is to inspire you to test what you have learned and to prove your abilities. Unlike the Fool, the individual who drives the Chariot knows the reason for his journey.

Health: Preventative medicine is the key word. Work out to stay in shape, watch your diet, avoid overexertion. Your nerves may be vulnerable, so when you're tired or don't feel well, take it easy, slow down. A chronic health problem improves significantly and part of it is due to the fact that you're too busy with other things to obsess about it" (53).

All good advice on how to deal with the Five of Rods.

August 08 to July 09

"With this card the Fool's journey ends; he arrives at his destination. The goal has been reached and all the elements of a situation have been drawn into a synthesized whole.

You've reached a deep understanding of the issues that concern you. You've begun to realize that everything in life starts within and radiates outward, that your most private beliefs create the reality that you live. Everything is available to you. Now it's time to free yourself from restriction. Expand your horizons.

Completion, success, fulfillment. You're ready to reap your rewards and move on to a new phase. If you've been working on a long-term project that seems like it will never end, be assured that the conclusion is near.

Don't assume that your ultimate goal in life has been attained. This card symbolizes peak experiences where you move a step closer toward becoming who you really are. The world dancer serves as a reminder that the journey is the true goal" (76).

This card symbolizes the peak of this spiritual journey that I've undergone the past couple of months. I just wanted to recap to see how far I've come and for renewed hope in the future.

This whole journey started back in August of 08, whether I knew it at the time or not. As I looked through the spreads I did that month, the main theme of apathy was very clear. And I was. The cards mentioned something about a process to me. They told me that the process is what is important. The cards were warning me of what was to come. I got Death and I was moving towards The Lovers. My psyche was warning me something was up, with my being apathetic, and my cards told me of a journey where major transformation would occur.

In September, I asked my cards whether this was a pivotal moment in time for me. I pulled The Fool and The Hermit. The Hermit is the truth seeker and that was my path. This was when I finally realized that I was on a journey of self-discovery.

October was when I broke up with Frank. That was the actual start of this transformation that was to happen. Looking back though, I do not think that I could have even gotten to this place if it wasn't for him. He helped me get over my insecurities and he helped me become a stronger person so that I could become who I am eventually suppose to be.

In November, before I got with Matt, I did a Reality Shift Spread. The Ten of Swords represents the direction that I was giving my inner self now. It talks of a final resolution of a situation and a dramatic end of a cycle. This was the end of my mourning the break-up. I moved on and cleared the deadwood so that I could begin another cycle.

The King of Swords represented how my external reality reflects the Ten of Swords. I cut out what I didn't need anymore, which was the relationship with Frank. I was at a point in my life where I needed to grow spiritually and he wasn't in the same place. I feel that when sweeping change occurs to shake you up and puts you on the path where you are suppose to be, that everything in your life has to harmonize. Without it, you are held back from reaching your potential.

The Ace of Swords was how I would empower myself to change my reality. That card is all about strength through adversity. There is nothing more I can say to elaborate on that card.

What I find particularly interesting, especially as I look back on all of these spreads, is that I pulled the Five of Rods. It represents how my outer self would respond to this new directive my life was taking. This card is all about conflict. It was my inner conflict of being put on this path unexpectedly and with my moon in Taurus, the transformation was a slow process. Nothing had been harmonized yet and I felt so scattered. Now looking back, this is what caused the stagnation to resulted later.

How my life will shift as a result of the Five of Rods was represented by the Queen of Pentacles. This told me that I would enter a spiritually rich period of my life. This is so true.

What I ultimately create is the Five of Cups. This card describes a pain and emptiness I would feel due to a loss of spiritual vitality. For a while, the process really had to sink in and I chose to not act because I was still trying to comprehend the whole situation. This was the result of the Five of Cups.

My new path was represented by the Two of Cups. This is a path where the conflict stops and everything is in balance and perfect harmony. I didn't understand this at the time of the spread.

Latter on in December, I went to a palm reader with Jessie. I forget exactly what she said but she mentioned that I would find my career niche and I did some spreads on it. The overall message was that my career and spirituality were connected for me.

I asked myself what was holding me back and it was the inner conflict stemming from the Five of Rods and the ebb and flow of the seasons. This was still a process of significant transformation, which would be over when I resolved my inner demons and conflicts.

In January 2009, I pulled the Empress and it told me to nurture all I am so that I can become all that I can be. I still had to find balance.

Also in January I got hints from my spreads that my spiritual path is on a mental plane and that once I find my niche, I'll become emotionally immersed in my new path. My life would lead to the Two of Cups when I achieve mental balance, which would resume my life's forward momentum. This all stems from the Five of Rods. However, I didn't listen to this message and went ahead and created the Five of Cups situation.

Through February and March, I disregarded opportunities for growth because I was still in the Five of Cups. At the time, I was sure that the Two of Cups would be me fusing my career and spirituality with the SSA internship. I thought that was the final goal of me finally fusing my inner and outer selves. However, I still did not understand the importance of balance and harmony because if I did get the SSA internship, I wouldn't be at the peak of my potential. I wouldn't have the tool set to find harmony. The SSA would only be a temporary fix because I still had inner conflict.

In April I had lost my motivation. I was so disappointed that I didn't have the internship yet that I started to question whether I picked the wrong major or not. I asked myself what the point was in my major if I couldn't apply it.

I asked my cards whether I picked the right major and I got the Sun. The Sun is about positive energy. The Fool has learned from his past life and limitations and his pattern of experience has become a solid foundation from which he can proceed. "The Sun symbolizes the masculine capacity to impart form and structure. His influence gives form the the formless, shape to the shapeless" (Burke, 120). The Sun stands for success, prosperity and happiness.

When I thought about why I was questioning my major I pulled the Eight of Swords. I finally understood that my fear of not getting the SSA internship blocked balance, and with my Scorpio side giving all or nothing, I was stuck mentally. I then asked myself "How do I start believing without hearing from the SSA?" Looking back, I shouldn't have asked that question because the only was I was to start believing and getting into balance was if I didn't get the internship.

In April I even asked again about the internship. I just couldn't see what was going on back then. I got the Ten of Swords. The card was telling me that I should give up on a lost cause and get on with the true purpose of what was going on. I would have to accept the inevitable and move on.

In June, I was tired of being disappointed about the internship and I wanted something new. I was then able to understand the purpose of this whole journey.

Nine of Swords

"Worry and anxiety are the literal meaning of this nine. You experience sleepless nights and stress-induced nightmares. Fear runs rampant and you're convinced that your situation will continue to deteriorate and will never change for the better.

You're suffering from intense anxiety. Although your sense of impending doom and disaster may be unfounded, your pain is very real. Apprehension and difficulty sleeping have left you vulnerable to feelings of hopelessness" (181).

So I heard back from the Social Security Administration. I got an email and I didn't look through all the documents that they sent. I was just go excited to hear back from them. I thought that practically got it because they wanted me to fill out a Declaration of Federal Employment. When I took the time this past week to read everything through and they said that the programs I wanted to apply to are filled up already. I was soo incredibly bummed out.

So I kept doing tarot spreads and the cards were telling me different things and i was confused. I kept getting the Nine of Swords though. That was the only constant. I talked to Amanda about it and she said that the cards were probably confused because she has found that cards pick up on your negative energy. This would explain the Nine of Swords. My cards were trying to tell me that I had too much negative energy and that I should come back later when I've cleared my head.

I know by now that the cards don't lie and I have to stand strong and believe that despite the obstacles in my way, that I will get this internship.

Five of Rods

So I'm on my spring break. I haven't heard from SSA about my internship yet. I keep checking my email everyday but still no news. I remember talking to my internship advisor and he told me not to worry if they don't get back to me right away. At least I applied early.

Well, I couldn't help but feel a little disappointed. Also, Matt got a great job that is a step towards a career. I am genuinely happy for him. I'm not jealous in any means but I'm still waiting to hear from SSA. I feel like I haven't moved forward toward who I am suppose to be yet. I definitely have moved past the mental block I was dealing with for a while; it was a spiritual process. But I want my world to reflect who I am now. I want to harmonize my inner and outer worlds to feel complete.

So I was beginning to get restless earlier tonight. Whenever I get restless, I listen. It's the psyche's way of letting me know that something is up. So I started to think about the week ahead. I want it to be productive; I want to organize my life, and that got me thinking. I wrote a list of visualizations of my future and personal growth. I don't just want to organize my academic life; I want overall convergence. So I did Tarot and asked if I would have productive week ahead. I pulled the Five of Rods.

"Others want what you want and the contest is likely to be exciting and heated, filled with action and rivalry. Don't allow your competitors to gain the advantage. Be firm, stand your ground, don't give in. Despite the uphill battle, you overcome the competition.

The competition refers to a business, social, or spiritual situation. You expend so much energy countering your rivals that it's interfering with the rest of your life, and you don't have time for your usual pursuits. So make time. Set aside space for yourself and your passions.

Empowerment: You rise to the challenge" (129).

Okay, my personal meaning of this card isn't so literal about competition. It's about conflict-particularly inner conflict. The conflict between my newly strengthened foundation and the portrayal of it in the outer world. The conflict between my old self, (with the bout of disappointment over the internship edging it on), and who I want to be.

The card shows four men evenly matched. I just have to set my priorities and go after it while standing firm. So I will make time this week to get back to basics.

Two of Cups

Right after I did my past, present and future, I asked my cards if I would get the internship that I want, which is the one I applied for today at the Social Security Administration.

"Partnerships of all kinds and marriage in particular are inherent to this card. In many ways it's more indicative of a love relationship than the Lovers. While the trump concerns commitment and choice in ongoing unions, the two of cups relates to romance, courtship, and passion that may ultimately lead to marriage.

Emotional balance and cordial personal encounters are hallmarks of this two. You accept with equanimity whatever life brings.

Friendship and companionship are highlighted. Get out of the house, enjoy yourself, spend time with people you care about. Dating and other social activities balance your life. Show your appreciation of your friends and family.

Work: Expect a smooth partnership that will benefit both parties. In your working environment, you encounter the harmony, pleasant surroundings, cooperation, and friendly atmosphere you desire. A contract is consummated. You get the job you applied for, are accepted to the college of your choice, win a raise or promotion or both" (139).

Past, Present, Future

Past: The World
"With this card, the Fool's journey ends; he arrives at his destination. The goal has been reached and all the elements of a situation have been drawn into a synthesized whole.

You've reached a deep understanding of the issues that concern you. You've begun to realize that everything in life starts within and radiates outward, that your most private beliefs create that reality that you live. Everything is available to you. Now it's time to free yourself from restriction. Expand your horizons.

Completion, success, fulfillment. You're ready to reap your rewards and move on to a new phase. If you've been working on a long-term project that seems like it will never end, be assured that the conclusion is near.

Don't assume that your ultimate goal in life has been attained. This card symbolizes peak experiences where you move a step toward becoming who you really are. This is an intermediate period in which you may enjoy your triumphs before you begin again as the Fool. The World dancer serves as a reminder that the journey is the true goal.

Empowerment: You have surmounted your obstacles and overcome your limitations" (76).

Present: Page of Pentacles
This is the energy that I feel now. I am so excited and eager to hopefully get an internship at the Social Security Administration.

Future: Seven of Pentacles
"It's time to take stock. Evaluate your achievements and trust that the projects you've set in motion can now move forward under their own momentum. You may be tempted to rest on your laurels for a while, but the pause won't last long. Your inspiration urges you on.

Through honest appraisal of your needs and desires, you attune yourself to deeper levels of awareness and take your cues from synchronicities, hunches, impulses.

You have what it takes. Your hard work is about to pay off financially. You feel pride and fulfillment in what you've done and now you reflect on where you've been and where you would like to go. You reevaluate your goals, relationships, lifestyle, and dreams, and decide that you've done just fine so far. Buoyed by your past success, you charge into the future" (162).

Energy Spread

I pulled two cards. One was to tell me the energy for March 2 and the other was to tell me how to use this energy. I pulled the Queen of Rods to tell me how to use the Four of Cups.

Four of Cups
"Suffused with apathy, you don't recognize new opportunity when it's presented. Take a second look; it may be better than you think. You have a lot going for you but are too full of discontent and self-pity to appreciate what you've got.

If you're experiencing occasional periods of mental and physical laziness, a fresh idea or interesting project will provide new momentum. This four is sometimes a wake-up call to recognize that your depression may be more than just a passing mood.

You have choices but consider then to be without merit. Even when someone offers you an opportunity, you greet it with disdain. Perhaps you're jaded by the good things in life; perhaps you're simply in a period where the future seems bleak. Whatever the cause, you're disregarding opportunities for growth, renewed happiness, and satisfaction" (142).

I definitely missed opportunities. I knew what I had to do but I was just stagnant. This has been the energy I've been dealing with for a while.

Queen of Rods
"She is businesslike and exuberant about everything she does. She seems to have inexhaustible reserves of energy, has a flair for drama, and is passionate about things she believes in. She's all fire: Aries, Leo, Sagittarius" (93).

I plunged forward and followed through. I finally realized that I found my niche; regulation policy in terms of social security. Everything seems to be converging; all the politics, public policy, regulation and administrative politics classes I've taken have merged into one path. I got so much work done today and I was really proud of myself!