Last weekend Matt and I almost broke up for real this time. It was extremely serious. We didn't, though. Well we were still bickering and there was still tension when we hung out for the first time since that dramatic weekend. I went home after hanging out on Monday and I just felt like something was wrong. I started getting jealous of Tamara, Matt's old interest and I was wondering what was going on because it was just so random that I knew it was something else.
Well, that night I was drawn to my cards and I didn't even shuffle the deck but I was drawn to these two cards.
1) Three of Swords
"Heartbreak, loss, disappointment: The news hurts. Your suffering can be quite literal. Your painful experience also may refer to the emotional aftermath of a broken relationship.
One way or another, intense feelings take their toll and cause you deep distress. These feeligs could be the result of a crisis stemming or longstanding problems between lovers.
It may become necessary to remove the cause of your pain through divorce or separation. Letting go of what no longer serves your best interests is sometimes the only way to end your pain. You probably feel that all is lost, but remember the adage: "This too shall pass." then the real healing will begin.
Romance: You've experienced enough heartache. Face facts and end the connection that has brought you so much anguish. The pain you feel at parting is nothing compared to the ongoing unhappiness of a miserable relationship. Evaluate the past patterns and the core beliefs that have brought you unhappiness and work on changing them.
Spirituality: Use your disappointments as stepping stones in your development. Look inside yourself for inspiration. Release old ideas and generate new ones. Surrender what you no longer need so there's room for the new order.
Empowerment: Acknowledge your pain, examine it, and work through it. Then let it go and move on" (171).
2) Eight of Swords
"You're holding yourself back from living life to the fullest. You project your fears and inhibitions into your surroundings, then you view them as obstacles. The limitations you perceive don't lie in the outer world. They are projections of your own inner apprehension and anxiety. Paralyzed by fear of the unknown, you're afraid to break the chains that bind you.
You're eaten up with dread and insecurity. Although you feel you're in an impossible situation, there is a way out. Remove your blinders and expand your ideas of what is possible.
Romance: Although you feel restricted, you're afraid to break your bonds and cut yourself loose. Perhaps you're lonely, or involved in an unproductive relationship. Either way, you refuse to see that you're holding yourself back" (179).
After I pulled these cards I felt much better. I realized that I was just being insecure because I wasn't sure if Matt was happy, since he needs something stable and we have been on and off. We have no middle ground, just extremes. I wrote him an email explaining my insecurity and that I don't want to drive him away because of it. I said that I don't want my insecurity to make him feel as if he is never good enough etc.
The next day the insecurity came back again and I thought it to be really strange because usually once I figure out the source of something I deal with it and move on.
Earlier today I was thinking about it and I realized that I keep comparing Matt to Frank. I definitely love Matt on a more deeper level because I am actually being challenged and we are more equal. I realize that I was acting like Matt sometimes does when he is selfish and unwilling to compromise sometimes in my relationship with Frank. Anyway, Frank made me feel secure all the time and we were just a better match emotionally. Anyways, I finally realized what I was doing and also realized that Matt will never be like Frank and I don't want to be the girlfriend who tries to change their boyfriend. That is just simply not fair.
Later we talked about it on the phone, and I was actually surprised that he was able to talk about emotions and our relationship so well. So basically, this surface insecurity was really pushing me to examine what was underneath. I was insecure because I felt like we had a communication break. We have such different personalities when it comes to communicating, and what I mean by communicating is being open and sharing what is necessary so that we don't bottle things up. This was very alarming to me because for the first time I actually acknowledged the fact that we are too very different people. We both admitted that we've been happier and than we barely have faith in the relationship now.
For him it is the stability issue. I knew that something was wrong and he finally talked to me and confirmed by suspicions. We both also agreed that we felt a distance since that horrible weekend. I was really upset because it was all brought to light for the first time. I can't think of a reason why I never thought of this before. Maybe I got caught up in the passion of the fights and it just so happened that this was the first deadly fight. It can be compared to Reagan and Cuomo and how their speeches, above all others, clearly define the differences in two American political philosophies.
Anyway, we didn't break up. After all, I chose to stay with him after that weekend because I love him so much and I got what I want so I have to deal with it since I asked for it. (This goes along with my realization that I was comparing him to Frank.) We both feel better now that we layed everything out on the table and we are not pretending that things are okay when they're not. We have acknowledged everything and even Matt says that he feels better knowing that I know how he was feeling (about the whole stability thing).
I feel absolutely better and I already feel us getting healthier. I love those damn tarot cards! They always know what's best for me...or rather I should say that I do haha!
